My snappy responses to inane LinkedIn pitches

D. Matt Scherer
5 min readJan 25, 2023

Do unsolicited LinkedIn pitches want to make you scream, or do you want to respond ala the legendary Al Jaffee when someone sends you something that you don’t need?

Jaffee, who worked for Mad Magazine and with Stan Lee as a humorist and columnist, would create what I remember as “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.”

For example, I remember one strip where it was raining, and one person asked the other if he thought it was going to rain.

The response was classic. “It’s a flight of eagles with snotty noses. It should end soon.”

Take this recent pitch from Brandon as how someone might respond like Jaffee.

Matt — Quick Question

Hey Matt! We can get you 150+ monthly appointments with our COMMISSION-ONLY sales team & outbound ecosystems. There is literally no risk involved. Is that worth a chat? Best, Brandon .

Feeling my inner Al Jaffee, I might respond this way.

“Hey Brandon. Only 150 appointments a month? Is that all?

My team generates that for just one week. Perhaps, we should work together on filling up the lives of other people so they can miss eating meals, playing with their friends or families or getting a good night’s sleep.”

If this works for you, I can’t wait to hear how we might work together!!!

P.S. Are you the inspiration for all those “Let’s Go Brandon” T-shirts and bumper stickers I’m seeing??? Maybe, we can also provide those shirts as a incentive to future customers, especially since I saw those shirts on sale for $2 at my local flea market.

While I was getting info about Brandon’s LinkedIn opportunity, this one also came in Thursday afternoon from Drake.

Quick Phone Call on Monday at 11:00 AM?

Hi Matt, I imagine you’d have an interest in fueling sales by getting more leads. We’d like to give you an introductory call to discuss how we can provide you with qualified sales-ready appointments through…

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D. Matt Scherer

Like a lighthouse on a foggy day, I help people either avoid the rocks or stand out in the fog of mass media or other forms of communication outreach.